Kidnap 101
by TrueEnglishRose
Summary: Bella Swan has just one mission; to save her childhood best friend from the clutches of Hollywood. She's got her work cut out for her, but she'll do it, even if she has to do things that she really doesn't want to. Written purely for laughs.
1. Chapter 1

A/N

First things first, this is purely for laughs. A lot of technical stuff has been left out, but for a reason.

Second point, 'Bollocks' is a term we British use for men's balls. Or in reference to something, like: _That's a load of bollocks._ I use the term a lot, sorry lol.

Third point (from texasbella in her own words) When you do your initial author's note on this... you have to say that your beta reports there may be mistakes still, and she fully accepts the blame, but at times I was laughing so hard I was crying, and therefore couldn't see the screen clearly. Also, do NOT drink or eat while reading.

HUGE thanks to texasbella, who beta'd this whole story in less than 24 hours. She effing awesome!

* * *

**1**

_"__There are . . . unconfirmed . . . reports . . . that Edward - _sniff _- Cullen . . . has been actor-napped!" _The voice of the reporter all but wailed into the microphone while the TV camera panned up the full height of the hotel where the premier had been held last night, and I wanted to smile. _"His family, O-M-G, his family must be devastated at the loss of him,"_ the woman continued, which made me roll my eyes because they were talking like he was dead.

"Oh, please, he's not harmed. He's just sleeping somewhere." I bitched at the TV and then turned the channel over.

_"__Eyewitnesses say they saw him near the toilets around ten last night, but after that, who knows? Here's what some visitors said last night, over to you Terri . . . Terri, you're live on air, pull yourself together, woman."_

Oh, that got a good laugh from me.

The 'poor' woman had her makeup running down her face like it was melting in the heat of the summer sun.

Guess what?

It was pouring down outside.

* * *

I'll post the first five chapters tonight and then updates will be a couple of times a day. It's already pre-written, so there'll be no waiting around :)


	2. Chapter 2

**2**

_"__It has been over twenty-four hours since anyone has heard from the Hollywood hunk, Edward Cullen, and while his family is in contact with the officials, our team has been on the streets getting the public's view on his disappearance . . ."_

Seriously?

Hollywood Hunk?

More like Washington skunk!

_Click_

_"__. . . more news has come to light about the mystery disappearance of Edward Cullen. A source close to the family has revealed, exclusively to Channel 8 I might add, that he is, in fact, in a rehab center for _sexual health _reasons somewhere in the depths of California . . ."_

"You fucking wish, you overgrown horse's ass," I grumbled, and then clicked the clicker remote thing again.

_"__I swear, he was, like, totally out of it. We, like, came out of the toilet, right? And then, like, he was just there, like looking all moody and sexy, like he was horny or something. . ."_

_"__Well, thank-you, Maggie. And there you have it, people, right from the mouth of a beautiful witness, Edward Cullen was last seen standing outside the toilets inside the hotel late last night, but where is he now? Only time will tell, back to the studio. . ."_

"Beautiful witness? Oh, fuck off, the skank didn't even wash her hands after she went to the bathroom!"

_Click._


	3. Chapter 3

**3**

_"__Look, I love my brother-in-law, and I think the world of him, but as there's been no ransom note or death threats made, and add in the fact that he's an insufferable ass, I just have to assume that he's pissed off someone and he's in hiding. So _*BLEEP*_ off out of my face, and report something that's worth all the paper you're wasting. . ."_

Ah, Rosalie, you could always depend on her to speak her mind, not even giving a shit about the media or who was watching.

No doubt the family would rip her a new one later for her lack of diplomacy, but I liked her.

She had a vagina.

I would say balls, but we all know Betty's opinion on _that_.

_Click_.

_"__The family has been holed up in Edward's home refusing to speak to anyone or even to give a statement. Oh, how I would hate to be them at the moment. It must be so sad, don't you think, Michael? Michael, stop looking at the mirror, you're live on TV, you vain idiot."_

_"__What? It's only Edward Cullen . . . _SLAP _. . . What was that for? Just because I don't have the hots for him . . ."_

_Click_.


	4. Chapter 4

4

"It has been two days since the disappearance of Edward Cullen, and with his movements completely unknown to his family or the police, we can only confirm the worst. Over to Sarah for more . . ."

"Thank-you, Roger. Yes, here I am, outside the hotel where Edward Cullen was last seen. Flowers are being laid down and candles have been lit . . . Oh my God, I don't think I can do this, I don't think I should cry on TV, will it give me wrinkles?" The woman's voice was tuned out as they cut back to the studio, and I wanted to laugh.

I fucking hated Hollywood.

And why the fuck were they thinking the worst?

He'd been gone for two days, two whole fucking days! Whoop-di-fucking-doo. I spent longer than that trying to find my way out of Ikea!


	5. Chapter 5

**5**

"_. . . The Cullen compound has been tight lipped over the last 48 hours, and we can only assume that they want their privacy kept as more members of the family turn up to the gated house. . ."_

_Click_

"_. . . News is filtering in that Edward Cullen has amassed huge amounts of gambling debts since his time in Hollywood began, and the police have said that they are not ruling out the possibility of talking to known underground Mafia bosses. . ."_

"Well if they're so underground, it's not like they'll find them, or Edward." I chuckled darkly, then grabbed a bag of chips and a small bottle of lemonade.

_Click_

"_We have breaking news, people. The local police will be making a statement within the next twenty minutes, so stay tuned. . ."_

_Click._

"_And the wildebeest stalks his mate and comes up from behind, giving her no notice, mounts her quickly and pushes himself into her. . ."_

_Click._

"That shit's just plain fucking scary."


	6. Chapter 6

"_We can confirm that toxicology results have been returned, and the bathroom where Edward was last seen did, in fact, have traces of the known drug Rohypnol as well as Cocaine . . . Amphetamines . . . Cannabis . . . Ritalin . . . A number of prescription sedatives . . ."_

"Yeah, not only is Hollywood fucked up more than ever, but it also raises questions as to where the men snorted half of that shit. The counters were wet from the sinks, so that only left one other place: the urinals — Fucked up me thinks."

"_We do not have any proof that Mr. Cullen had partaken in any of the above, but our concern is that he has been taken against his will, either with or without the use of narcotics . . ."_

"Oh, please, the man could hardly handle his beers. It only took two shots of vodka in an orange juice and he was anyone's . . . or mine. . ."

Ooops, did I just admit to something?

* * *

**Good morning (or afternoon or evening) More chapters to follow to day, I hope you enjoy them :)**


	7. Chapter 7

**7**

**D: I can't believe I did that for you.**

_B: I can't believe you learned how to text! Lol_

**D: LOL? Do I want to know?**

"No, no you _really_ don't," I giggled out while I ignored the last text and laid my phone down next to the bed.

The minute I stood up, my phone started to vibrate, and I knew I couldn't ignore it. "Hello?" I whispered.

"_Hello, is that Bella?"_ the voiced whispered back, making me smile.

"One, who else would be answering, and two, why are _you _whispering?" I grinned.

"_Oh, I didn't think about that. It's Esme, can you hear me?"_ she said, her voice back to a normal level.

"Yeah, everything's great. I'm holed up in a place I hate, being waited on hand and foot, and your ass of a son still won't wake up," I growled, but playfully, of course.

"_Well, you know him better than anyone, and know how much he likes to sleep,"_ she murmured, and I could hear the smile in her voice.

"He's cool, momma bear, I promise. Just give it a few days and we'll be out of here, whether he likes it or not. Now, have you told the others yet?" I asked, my tone now serious.

"_No, not yet. I swear Alice suspects something, but Carlisle is just in panic mode. I'm trying to hold it together this end, but it's a bit difficult with so much of the family around me."_ She sighed.

"Well, you go back to what you do best, mothering everyone, and I'll deal with this loser." I giggled, and then we said our goodbyes.

"Hello? Is anyone there?"

Yay, sleepy boy had woken up.

Shit . . . I take it you want to know why we're in this situation, right?

* * *

More tomorrow morning :)

Hey, who do you think 'D' is in the texts? lol


	8. Chapter 8

**8**

I was bribed-hired-guilted *circle your choice* into it.

It was as simple as that, but if I were being honest, I refused all money when Esme called me.

I just wanted a chance to kick this guy's ass.

Why?

He had broken a promise to me, and I take that very seriously, even if he didn't.

You see, I grew up with him, well, until we were fourteen.

I ended up moving from Florida to stay with dad who lived in Forks, Washington, and Edward moved to Chicago because Carlisle, his dad, had gotten a top notch job at a big wig private hospital.

Anyway, we lost contact, as happens with distance, that was until Esme contacted me recently.

And everything went downhill from there.

* * *

**'D' was for dad. Yep, Charlie's in on it too :) Another chapter this morning and then more, so keep your eyes peeled for it :)**


	9. Chapter 9

**9**

"_Bella, please, I need you to step in and do something with him. He's completely lost it. Partying every night, drinking, and the girls – don't get me started on the girls! He got caught speeding the other night, and he is refusing to come home for Sunday dinner!"_

Esme's voice last week had scared me. Not only had she been about to cry, which I'd never heard her do, but she'd sounded like she was on the brink of needing drugs to calm her down.

After hearing her out, I agreed to come to town, but ignored her offers of the family jet or any other money, booking my seat on the next shitty commercial flight.

And this is where I am now: doing a covert operation, of sorts, to kick Edward's ass.

Kind of.

"Excuse me, is anyone there? As kinky as I find the fluffy handcuffs and blindfold, my bladder's about to burst and my mouth is drier than a nun's cunt . . ."

Shit, I'd forgotten he woke up!

* * *

**Ready to see more of Edward? Yeah, I thought you were lol.**


	10. Chapter 10

**10**

I hadn't seen Edward in the flesh since I was fourteen, right before I left Florida. Eleven years is a long time to go without seeing your so called best friend, but I'd had my reasons.

Yes, we kinda drifted apart, and once he was scooped up by a talent scout person, it got even harder to contact him.

From a distance, I saw how he changed from being his geeky little self to sex God wannabe with a horde of followers and screaming fans.

Then Alice, his cousin, called a couple of months back, and shit just went crazy from there.

She told me how Esme's birthday was coming up so she was getting a surprise party together. Alice had searched high and low for me, wanting me to come as an added surprise, and I agreed.

Four days later was the first call from Esme, and she'd been in hysterics.

"Look, I understand that you have the upper hand here and all, but do you really want to lose out on points when my bladder explodes?"

Ooops.

* * *

**Hmm, tomorrow, Bella has a problem to deal with... can you guess what it's going to be?**


	11. Chapter 11

**11**

There was a flaw in my perfect plan: he needed the toilet.

But he was handcuffed.

And I wasn't about to take them off of him.

I wasn't _that _stupid.

That meant that he either had to A) have the perfect aim.

Or B) I would have to hold it for him.

Oh! How about just rolling him over to the edge of the bed and let him piss into a bucket or something, like when you syphon out a fish take?

Without the large thick tube.

I bet he wouldn't appreciate that.

I don't see why not though, we women have to deal with pap shit every year. 'Bout time the men suffered a little.

I sighed. He was going to owe me big time after this, and so was Esme.

When it comes to our wedding day, I want the biggest bash going!

* * *

**More later. Have a fantastic Monday! :)**


	12. Chapter 12

**12**

I couldn't believe I was doing this, I really couldn't.

Eleven years since I'd touched it, eleven years!

It was going to have hair around it now, or more than what he had before.

I wonder if it was the same color as the hair on his head.

Don't ask me where I come up with these questions, they just appear.

Anyhoo, time to get on with it, right?

Did I have any gloves with me?

_Nope._

"Dammit," I huffed, and then got up from the chair. As I stood, crumbs, stray bits of popcorn, and other shit fell from my lap all over the floor.

"Oops."

Tiptoeing into the bedroom, I grin when I see him lying there on the bed.

Well, it's not like he could have gone anywhere.

"If I get a bladder infection and have to be seen by my dad, I'm not going to be too pleased about it," he grumbled, and I fought to hold in a giggle.

I was still on my tiptoes when I got to the edge of the bed, and before either of us knew it, I'd flipped him onto his front and pulled a second set of cuffs from my pocket.

There were some good sides to being a police chief's daughter, didn't you know?

* * *

**Want another one tonight? :)**


	13. Chapter 13

**13**

Once I had his arms behind his back and cuffed once again, I encouraged him to get off the bed.

It was harder than I'd thought it would be, but then I felt a little bad because he had been cooped up for two days, cuffed to the bed by his arms and legs.

A did feel little bit bad, not _completely_.

The dick still owed me.

"_. . . I promise, my Bella, as soon as you're eighteen, I'll come and get you. . ."_

What a shit load of bollocks!

By the time I was eighteen he'd forgotten about me, and I was left in Forks to rot while he had the life of Riley.

And now I had to hold his cock while he took a piss.

With his legs now free, he shuffled as I led him to the bathroom.

"I never thought I would be kidnapped by a woman," he mused while I stood him next to the toilet, plucking up the courage to get his cock out. "I can feel your boobs against my arm." He chuckled.

I swiftly kicked him in the shin.

* * *

So apparently, I cave really quickly and post more when people start posting on my timeline, hehehe. All in all, though, I'm really glad you're all liking this mad drabble lol.

So here's the question... do you think Edward knows it's Bella yet?


	14. Chapter 14

**14**

"I don't think you're my mom, because A) she wouldn't put herself in between me and the toilet, and B) she'd kick my ass for swearing like a fucking trooper," he mused while I slowly, ever so slowly, pulled down the zipper of his jeans.

"I don't owe any money, so I know you're not going to cut off my fingers one by one in an underground lair," he carried on. "Unless you're some crazed fan of mine and want to send a souvenir home?" He chuckled again, but I didn't miss the hesitation in his voice.

And the time had come.

I had to touch it.

Don't get me wrong, it was pretty much 'Once you've seen one, you've seen them all', but he hadn't had a wash in two days.

That's just fucking gross.

* * *

**Your reviews about this pair have had me laughing so hard! More later?**


	15. Chapter 15

**15**

It was warm.

And very soft, which fucked with my head.

It got me thinking about whether or not he used moisturizer down there.

A girl doesn't want to know that shit!

"You have very warm hands," he whispered, and I prayed to God he wasn't getting turned on.

I didn't need him going hard, and for piss to go up in my face.

I don't mind a bit of kink, but I draw the line at golden showers!

"And I don't think you could be Alice, because that's just sick, being my cousin and all. So I think I could rule out you being a family member," he mused and his body shook a little as he started to piss.

I think I might have whimpered.

I really didn't want to be in this position.

Not at all.

I was holding his cock while he took a leak, and he was talking to me as if that were perfectly normal!

"If I need a shower, do you get to make me all soapy with your little hands?" He chuckled, and I blanched.

He was going to get really bad bruised shins.

* * *

**Would you like some more?**


	16. Chapter 16

**16**

"So, why are you so silent?"

Why won't you shut up?

"You don't have to stay silent. It would be good to talk to someone –and not myself,"

No it wouldn't, it really wouldn't.

"Are you still there? I'm kinda getting hungry."

I wished I wasn't there, to be honest, but he'd pissed me off and I had no choice.

Plus he dribbled on my slipper when he finished pissing.

I hated him for life now.

They were big and fluffy; if I washed them, they'd lose their fluff.

Damn fucking asshole.

I loved getting the static shock off of them, it gave me tingles.

"This isn't some Stockholm thing, but all I can think of his your hand on my cock."

Maybe he _did _need a stint in a sex clinic.

I also made a mental note to limit his fluids.

* * *

**More?**


	17. Chapter 17

**17**

Putting the phone down after calling for room service, I went to check on the pervert in the bedroom.

"Okay, so I've worked out that you're a woman, but not very tall, with nice boobs and small hands, so can you _please _explain to me how you walk about like an elephant?" Asshole laughed, but I knew what he was doing.

He was reassuring himself.

He had done this a lot when he was a kid.

Every time I'd had a fall, busted knees, or got grazes, he would talk through everything Carlisle did to fix me. Just to make sure I felt better, or so he'd said, but it was for his own good.

He overanalyzed _everything_.

Overthought _everything_.

"And I've worked out that you're not a family member–"

No shit, Sherlock.

"Can I get some food please?" he asked softly after a while, and all I could do was stand by the door and watch him.

He wasn't really as bad as I was making out.

Don't get me wrong, he was still a dick, but he was my dick.

Not literally, I promise.

* * *

**So... Because you have all been so amazing at reviewing and loving this story so much, I'm going to be posting up to chapter 25 tonight as a little treat for you all :)**

**See you soon!**


	18. Chapter 18

**18**

"I don't think you're a fan either, because you would have spoken to me or kissed me, or _something_, but nothing. Can we play a game? Vegetable, animal or mineral? I hope for both our sakes that you're not an animal, just sayin'," he prattled on.

I couldn't stay for the one-sided conversation because at that moment my phone started to vibrate in my pocket.

"Hello?" I whispered once I'd walked back into the main room and answered the damn contraption.

"_Bella, you have to help me! Mike is banging down my door to get to you. Even though I swore that I didn't know where you were, he still won't leave me alone! Do you think that love potion we cooked up actually worked?" _Jessie whisper-hissed down the line, and I just had to roll my eyes.

"Jess, you were three sheets to the wind that night, all we had was vodka, root beer, and hash cakes. The only thing we ended up rhyming close to a spell was _Mary had a Little Lamb_ – the rude version. Mike's just an overgrown baby, and talking of which, I have to go, there's someone at _this _door." I laughed quietly, and then hung up.

* * *

**More to come soon :)**


	19. Chapter 19

**19**

"I'm sorry we have to whisper, but my _husband _is sleeping in the next room," I said to the men in uniform at the door.

Bell boys? Nah, more like Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee.

Either way, the suits weren't flattering in the slightest.

"Not at all, Madam," the men said in chorus as they wheeled in the two trolleys of food.

Hey, don't bitch, there _are _two of us here, and one of us hasn't eaten in _two_ days.

When they lifted the silver domed lid on one of the plates I was a little miffed.

"How come the granola bars aren't in triangles like they were in the photo on the menu?"

"Health and safety, Madam, the hotel deemed them dangerous in their previous state."

All together now . . . "What the _fuck_?"

* * *

**See ya in a bit!**


	20. Chapter 20

**20**

"You're shitting me, right?" I asked, hands on my hips while giving them a good old 'bitch brow'.

"No, ma'am, the triangles were deemed unsafe when a child got hit in the cheek with one."

"But you've cut them into squares! How does _adding_ an extra corner safeguard little shits who want to use them as throwing stars?" I was puzzled.

"We just deliver the food, Madam," Tweedle Dee said with a shrug, and after I gave them a lousy tip, I shut the door on them.

"_Granola_ throwing stars? Who the hell was raising kids these days? They should've at least thrown something that wouldn't have left a bruise. They could've gotten away with _that_," I huffed out before going to retrieve Edward from the bedroom.

We only had one more night here before dad had the weekend off and would come to collect us.

I hoped to God that Edward liked Forks.

* * *

**I kid you not, a school over here in the UK BANNED triangular flapjacks (texasbella matched them to granola bars in the States) because they were dangerous. They had to change them to square/rectangle ones. Look on the BBC news website for the video lol.**


	21. Chapter 21

**21**

The plan was simple.

Dad was coming here to the hotel, in his uniform, _and_ with the cruiser.

Edward would be taken out the back way, still handcuffed and with a blanket over his head; just like in those police/court videos.

If there were any paps out the back, they would hopefully just assume that Edward was a criminal.

Anyway, I'd be waiting around the corner, because it would look a little wrong for a 'normal' looking girl to get in the front seat of a cruiser.

So yeah, that was the plan, and then after that, Edward would be staying with me.

God help him.

And _me_, for that matter.

I only had a one bedroom place, and I remembered how Edward used to sleep.


	22. Chapter 22

**22**

I don't know why I kept my mouth shut around Edward, because he hadn't heard my voice in eleven, nearly twelve, years.

He wouldn't recognize me, no way, but anyway, I still kept silent.

The main reason, I suppose, was because it was starting to piss him off.

"Just _one _word -," I shut him up with a spoonful of chicken and mushroom soup.

"Dammit, that was still hot!" he grouched, but he was just being a baby, because it wasn't hot at all.

But talking of hot.

He was looking mighty fine these days, even without his glasses.

Oh God, I loved it when he wore those glasses as a kid.

Thick black ones that acted as a magnifying glass to show off his lashes.

Oh yeah, and setting things on fire in the summer sun.

Just don't tell Esme.

Those were her 1200 count Egyptian sheets.

Ooops.

* * *

**Now, how hot is a geeky looking Edward? lol**


	23. Chapter 23

**23**

"Can I have a shower now? You don't even have to get your hands on me, I just want to _not _smell of a teenager's bedroom in the height of summer, please?" he whined as he sat on the edge of the bed, still cuffed and blindfolded.

Now, you might ask me why he _still_ didn't know it was me, or why he was still restrained, but the thing is, I knew that as soon as he knew it was me, we'd fight and argue.

And that's not good in the middle of a high class hotel; especially when one half of the argument has gone 'missing'.

You see, we always argued. And it was _always_ over the _stupidest_ of things, but that was just us.

From the very first moment of our friendship, we'd had a love-hate relationship.

He took my pacifier, I took his bottle.

He threw my Barbie down the toilet, I threw his plastic doctor and nurse's kit out of the window.

He pulled my hair, I kicked him in the shin.

He kissed my head better, but I refused to go near his mud covered shins.

He washed Barbie in her little plastic bath from her Malibu beach house, and I super glued his kit back together; along with my hands, the dressing unit, the curtains and one of Esme's aprons.

Love-hate.

It was as simple as that.

But I loved him more than I hated him now, though.

Damn hormones.

* * *

Aww, is our Bella getting all soft? *snorts* Hardly! lol


	24. Chapter 24

***Drum roll!***

* * *

**24**

**EPOV**

I knew it was her.

No fan was this quiet.

No family was this stupid.

And only Bella would be _this _insane.

How did I really know it was her?

She ordered all of my favorite food and made sure that the tomato seeds were taken out of my salad. Fucking little things get stuck between my teeth, and it pisses me the hell off.

So yeah, I knew it was her.

I also couldn't mistake that damn peaches and cream body lotion.

I hated that damn shit and she knew it.

That's why she wore it.

Now I had two questions I needed to get answered.

Why did she have me here?

_And . . ._

How long would it take to piss her off, _royally_, and have her flip her shit with me?

* * *

**He knows! lol. He probably knew from the first time she kicked him in the shin lol. One more for tonight and then I can go to bed! lol**


	25. Chapter 25

**25**

**BPOV**

I think he was doing it on purpose.

Every ten fucking minutes he needed the bathroom. Really?

Four times . . . _four_ times I had to hold that shit while he took a leak!

I didn't want to even _think_ about when he needed a shit, because I was _NOT_ stooping that low, let me tell you that now.

Dad would be here in eight hours. If the need arose, he was doing it; it was as simple as that.

"Can I have my shower now? We do have a shower here, right?" he mumbled from the bed.

Yes, I was in the room with him.

I had given up sitting and watching TV in the other room when I had enough of seeing his face plastered over every channel, and also because he kept calling for me every two fucking minutes.

Now I was sat in a chair in the corner, shooting daggers at him.

And he was still breathing.

I had shit luck.

* * *

**And that's your lot for today because I really need to sleep lol. Let me know what you think about our couple so far, I love hearing what you have to say, it cracks me up! Night night all! xx**


	26. Chapter 26

**26**

Giving up any hope that he'd shut up anytime soon, I once again got him from the bed and marched him to the bathroom, letting him whack his body into furniture as he went.

My bad.

He stood there in the corner of the room with a smirk on his face while I made sure the temperature was right.

I might be a bitch, but I did have a heart.

Once the room was nice and steamy, I then had to work out how I was going to get him out of his clothes.

Scissors would have to do.

I left him standing there while I went in search of a pair.

The thing was, the room didn't have any, and I only found one thing that would do: a steak knife.

Hope he doesn't move.

* * *

**More to follow later :D**


	27. Chapter 27

**27**

I hadn't seen him fully naked since we were both fourteen.

I'm not a whore or anything.

We were both just curious.

And fourteen isn't that young these days.

Okay, it is, but in my defense, I'd only seen one of my mom's many men naked, by pure accident. The fucker didn't lock the bathroom door.

He was hairy as hell and scared the fucking life out of me.

Bigfoot had nothing on that man.

Anyway, I cried to Edward and he wanted to prove that not all men should come with Veet.

Personally? I think Edward has always been a horny little fucker who jumped at any chance to get naked, but I had limited proof so far.

"So, if I have to get naked for this, do I finally get to see you naked?" he mused.

I kicked his shin again.

Stupid fucker.

Now I had my proof.

_And_ a knife in my hand.

* * *

**You get handful of updates today. There's still quite a few chapters left and they will all be up by the end of the weekend xx**


	28. Chapter 28

**28**

His jeans came off pretty easily, and I could have slapped myself.

I hadn't really needed the knife for those.

I didn't realize until he gasped and told me, but it was too late, the knife had already made the first cut.

Ooops.

He shut up though.

And did I mention that he went commando?

I noticed the first time I had to 'help' him.

I just didn't get it though.

Why would men go commando in jeans?

The chaffing!

So anyway, the jeans were now gone and I was working my way through his shirt and tee.

Nice pecs.

Not that I'd tell him that.

He was still huffing over the fact that I wasn't talking.

I loved my best weapon against him.

He hated my silence.

I didn't even try to hide my grin – he couldn't see it behind the blindfold.


	29. Chapter 29

**29**

"Why are you doing this? I know he was your best friend when you were growing up, amongst other things, but why now, after all this time?" Dad huffed in the chair by the TV.

I was currently sat on the floor playing with Seth's wolf puppy furry thing. Hey, it was cute.

Seth was my step-brother and he was at school, so dad had brought his puppy with him for the ride.

A bit of company, he said.

I bet they'd shared a few fucked up one-sided conversations on the way up here.

"Because Esme pleaded. When you meet her, you'll understand why. No one can say no to those green eyes and motherly face. I should bloody know," I huffed myself.

"But he forgot about you, Bells. He sounds like a piece of work and I've seen the news, he doesn't look like a good kid," dad muttered, and I just grinned.

"Dad, half that shit you read down at the station in those magazines is bollocks. You should get a proper hobby, like knitting and eating donuts." I laughed.

"Well, let's get this show on the road, it's getting dark." Dad stood up, and I followed him.

Now the fun could begin.


	30. Chapter 30

**30**

**EPOV**

"For my sanity and yours, will you just take off the cuffs and the blindfold, and let me clean myself up? I know it's her, I've known since I first woke up. Let me tell you, I don't fancy having her dad knowing what my ass looks like!" I huffed quietly.

She had been pissing me off since the whole _cutting my clothes off to give me a shower _shit. Had she lost brain cells over our time apart? I wasn't cuffed at the ankles, she could have just undone the zipper and pulled them down, but no.

She just had to take a knife to them. A steak knife, no less!

They weren't designed to go through denim, just ask my skin!

Okay, so she didn't cut me, but it was fucking close, and I knew she was doing it on purpose.

"I can't lie to her, she can read me like a book, she'll know if I wiped your hairy ass or not!" her dad hissed.

_Hey, I take offense to that!_

"I do not have a hairy ass! Look, I'll bend over, show you my ass, and then you can act all awkward around her when you get out, but please, for the love of God, don't get your hands near my it," I bitched.

"No acting needed," he grouched.


	31. Chapter 31

**31**

**BPOV**

I left Edward in the capable hands of my dad while I got ready to leave. It didn't take long for dad to start bitching at me while Edward took a little nap.

No drugs needed this time, just to reassure you.

"I just had to do things that I never thought a grown man with grown children should do," he grumbled, and reached for a beer. "Edward's not a ghost pooper, that's for sure!"

"Hey, you're driving, no hops for you, mister, stick to soda," I said with a grin, and took the beer from him giving him a Coke in return.

"Soda? When was the last time you saw me drink soda?"

"The day after your wedding to Sue. You had to go over to Newton's to get a ladder big enough to get up the tree outside my old bedroom window," I retaliated.

Dad had thrown her garter at Billy, his best man, and dad was so drunk that he got it caught up in the tree. As wasted as he was none of us would let him go up there and get it on the day, so it had to wait till the next morning.

"One time, Isabella, _one time_," dad bitched.

"Save the moaning for Sue. We have to get Mr. Happy out of here and back home." I grinned.

"Why do you call him Mr. Happy?" he asked.

"You don't want to know, dad, you really don't."


	32. Chapter 32

**32**

Edward didn't even put up a fuss when dad handed him a large vodka and orange juice.

Dad did have to promise that there were no drugs in it, though, because Edward refused to take drugs.

He scored brownie points with dad for that little nugget of info.

So, there we were, trying to coax a slightly inebriated Edward out of the back doors of the hotel, and into dad's cruiser while trying to _not _draw attention to ourselves.

Very hard to do when Edward was singing 'Ten Green Bottles' at the top of his voice.

He's gonna have really bruised shins by the time we get to Forks.

"I hope to God he sleeps it off in the car," dad grumbled.

"Don't blame me, I told you that he'd come without a fuss, but no, you just _had _to insist on the drink," I bitched back, moving out of Edward's way just in time to dodge the puke that spewed out from him by the car.

"I am not taking that blanket with us," I moaned, and then lifted it a little to see Edward smiling just a little.

Damn idiot.


	33. Chapter 33

**33**

When Edward was in the back of the cruiser, sans sick covered blanket, and snoring like a baby, I walked around the block for dad to pick me up, just in case there were any stray paps.

The last thing I wanted was to be seen with Edward. Or in dad's cruiser.

The kids back in Forks would make my life a living hell for that one.

Nearly forty-five fucking minutes later, dad pulled up at our agreed point and I glared at him.

"It took me just _five _minutes to walk it, what's your excuse?" I asked, my teeth chattering together a little.

"We needed coffee and cakes." He grinned, holding up a tray of drinks and snacks.

He was forgiven.

Not that I would tell him that any time soon.

I got in the car, looked back at a drooling Edward, and put on my belt.

Dad was used to driving at speed and I'd learned the hard way.

Always belt up in a car with him.


	34. Chapter 34

**34**

"Jake's been asking about you, by the way. He went to your place the other day and you weren't there, so he paid me a visit. Poor kid looked as though he was going out of his mind," dad mused as we hit the 101.

"Dad, Jake _is_ out of his mind." I laughed.

It was true.

Jake was a fruit loop, it was that simple.

It had started harmlessly enough. He had a crush, and I thought it was sweet, but after all these years, he just didn't get the fucking hint.

I swear he was waiting for me, because he likes to keep telling me that he's still a virgin.

You try to take a six foot brick shithouse seriously when he's crying over a hot chocolate that he wants "To wait until we're married."

I think fucking not.

He's cute, I'll give him that, but hell. No.

Never going there.


	35. Chapter 35

**35**

Edward slept like a baby the whole way back home.

Bastard.

Dad wanted to 'chat', so I didn't have a chance to drift off to sleep.

"Are you sure you'll be okay on your own with him?" dad asked, and I giggled a little.

Yeah, I'd be fine.

Edward on the other hand, well . . .

"I'll be fine, dad, I promise." I grinned, got out of the car, and looked at my beautiful home.

It wasn't big, but it was mine.

A beautiful rustic log cabin, three miles from the nearest road, and hidden by a beautiful meadow with a natural stream.

I loved it.

Dad helped me get the snoring piece of shit out of the car, and by the time dad had gone back to the car to get our stuff, I had tied Edward to a chair in the small living room.

"Is that really needed, Bells?" dad groaned when he saw Edward, but I just thanked him, kissed his cheek, and then shoved him out the door with a promise to see him on Sunday for the family dinner.

It was time for me to get my revenge.


	36. Chapter 36

**36**

I may or may not have slapped him around the face.

Okay, I did, but only because he wouldn't wake up.

"Where am I?" he asked, but I ignored him.

Okay, he was awake, and not too drunk now.

I needed food.

I left him tied to the chair while I cooked us grilled cheese sandwiches, and then I gave Esme a quick call to let her know that we had gotten there safely.

When he was fed I went for a quick pee before turning myself loose on him.

I would make sure not to leave any bruises, because Esme would kill me for it, but I _would _be beating the shit out of him.

Empty bladder?

_Check_.

Hitting weapon?

_Check_.

Ready to take off the blindfold and see his beautiful eyes?

_No, not really._

Dammit.

Taking one last, deep breath, I reached forward and removed his blindfold.

It took two seconds.

"I was wondering when you would pluck up the courage, Bella." He chuckled, his eyes twinkling.

_THWACK!_

"You _bastard!_" I screeched as I hit him as hard as I could, but he just continued to laugh.

"A pool noodle, really, Bella?"


	37. Chapter 37

**37**

I promised that I wouldn't leave bruises, and I was hating myself for that promise now.

I wanted to hit him with the frying pan, but I couldn't.

Over and over I slapped him with the foam pole heap of shit. I prodded him, poked him, and at one point, I think I might even have nudged the end right onto his cock, but it was his _entire _fault.

Eleven years of pain and frustration was taken out on him in a matter of minutes.

"You promised!" I screamed, hitting him harder than ever. I felt as though my arm was going to fly out of its socket.

"I hate you so much, you fucking twatting asshole bastard!" I screamed.

It felt good to swear.

Let it all out.

I can't swear in my job, you see.

Being around kids kinda puts a dampener on your verbal liberations.

"What do you mean, 'I promised'? So did _you_, and _you _broke it first, and would you stop fucking hitting me, woman!" he screeched back, but I wasn't done, I still had anger in me.

Loads of it.

About half an hour later, his words sunk in.

"What did I break? I didn't break any fucking promise, you dick," I said with a glare.

"You got married, that broke our promise!" he cried out.

Excuse me?

I did what?

I think fucking _NOT!_


	38. Chapter 38

**38**

"You have thirty seconds to explain yourself," I growled.

There was no way I got married.

I'd gotten drunk in the past, but not _that_ drunk. I'd certainly remember if I'd gotten hitched.

"I called your house on your eighteenth birthday, ready to tell you that I had my plane ticket booked, but some man answered the phone. I could hardly hear him because it sounded like a party going on in the background and he told me that it was your wedding reception. That you got married on your birthday because you were so in love with your fiancé, but your dad wouldn't give you permission to marry any earlier, and you just couldn't wait," Edward said through his panting. Fuck knows why he was panting, he was just sitting there.

I had just done all the hard work of beating him up.

"Who. Did. You. Talk. To?" I growled.

I was _not _married.

And I would be out for blood.

"I have no idea; his voice sounded like it was breaking, puberty? Fuck knows, but he said that he loved you, and that if you hadn't invited me, it was because you didn't want to know me anymore." He whimpered a little, but I saw red.

There was only one person I knew at seventeen whose voice still hadn't broke.

"The motherfucking _TWAT!_" I screamed.

I dropped the pool noodle and reached for my baseball bat.

* * *

**Hold onto your seats for the fun! lol**


	39. Chapter 39

**39**

"What the fuck! I didn't do anything!" Edward cried out, but I didn't care.

It wasn't like I was going to hit _him _with it.

I turned on the spot, and headed toward the front door.

"Hey, you can't just leave me here?"

Watch me.

I slammed the front door behind me and marched over to my jeep.

"Asshole fucking tosspot wanker," I growled, starting the engine, and then wheels spinning as I pulled out of the small turning space before heading to the main road.

I couldn't believe it had been him.

All along, it had been _him_.

I finally came to a stop where I needed to be and hopped out of the car to face a crowd of people.

"Where. The. Fuck. Is. He?"


	40. Chapter 40

**40**

"Hey, Cha'kwaina," Jared grinned before shoving a hot dog in his mouth.

Yeah, they liked that name for me. _Cha'kwaina _means 'One who cries' in their tongue.

I cried when I got angry. So sue me.

"I asked where he was. Are you going to tell me or not?" I asked him, and he laughed with the others before pointing over to the cliff.

"Great, thanks," I said with an evil grin as I reached into my jeep for the baseball bat.

"Whoa! Cha'kwaina's packing weapons. How much did he piss you off this time?" Sam chuckled.

"Enough to break a few bones, you have a problem with that?" I asked with a sweet smile.

"Go ahead; he needs taking down a peg or two. Go and knock yourself out, or him, ah fuck, you know what I mean." He chuckled and I gave him one last nod of my head, and started my way over to the cliff.


	41. Chapter 41

**41**

I found the fucker just feet away from the edge of the cliff. I didn't want him to jump, so I hid the bat behind my back.

I was crafty like that.

"Nuttah, what are you doing here?" he asked sweetly.

No, _Nuttah_ wasn't him calling me a nutter.

It meant 'My heart'. Who was I to know that when I was fifteen?

Just like Emmett had shown me, I'd marched up and kicked him in the bollocks, and had been rather proud of myself.

Until Billy, Asshole's dad, had explained to me what it meant.

I was still pretty pissed off.

I wasn't his heart.

No way.

"I'm here because I've just had an interesting conversation with someone," I said sweetly.

"Oh, yeah, who was that?" he asked with a grin, but I gave him no info on that.

"Apparently – get this – Apparently, I got _married! _Who knew? I certainly fucking _didn't!_" I cried out, and brought the bat from behind me. "Now, what would you know about that, Jacob Black?" I hissed.


	42. Chapter 42

**42**

"I don't know what you're going on about, Nuttah, I promise!" he wailed, gauging the space between me and freedom.

I knew what he was thinking.

Jump or run?

He wouldn't be doing either until I had hit him at least once.

"Jacob Black, you are shit at lying, you always have been," I growled, and then took a swing.

The idiot just stood there!

"Hit him low down, Cha'kwaina!" Embry called out, and when I chanced a quick look, it seemed that half the tribe was watching me hit the shit out of one of their own.

"No problem!" I laughed back, and took another swing.

"Dammit, Nuttah, stop it, _please!_" Jacob cried out, but that just pissed me off more.

"Eleven years I waited for him, eleven fucking years, all because you told him that we got married! I would never marry you, Jacob Black, ever!" I shouted, and I heard a few gasps before I took one final swing before dropping my bat.

"I hate you!" I hissed.

"Chill, Cha'kwaina, he's on the ground, calm down," Jared said soothingly before wrapping his arms around me.

Aw damn, why did I fucking have to cry?

* * *

**The names for Bella are actually ****_real_**** names with real meanings :D**


	43. Chapter 43

**43**

"So, you just lied to a man on the phone because you were afraid that he'd take Cha'kwaina away from you?" Sam laughed while we finished eating the rest of the food by the campfire.

Poor Jacob was sitting opposite me on the ground while I sat in the Chief's chair.

A perk to being Sam's daughter's teacher.

Plus I'd known them for the last eleven years.

And they liked me better than Jake.

Just sayin'.

"I just don't understand what she saw in him, from the pictures she has plastered over her old bedroom, he looks like a geek," he huffed.

Excuse me?

"You've been in my bedroom?!" I wailed, ready to grab my bat again.

"Once! Put the bat down! I walked in there by mistake, I needed the bathroom!" he cried, but I was pissed.

"You've been going in that house since you were in diapers; you knew where the bathroom was!"

"So that's why I found those red lace panties in his room!" Jared wailed out in laughter, and I saw red yet again. "I thought he was going through a phase of cross-dressing!"

"That was my favorite pair!" I screeched.


	44. Chapter 44

**44**

"And breathe, two, three; and out, two, three." Leah giggled as we walked around the land.

Sam was seeing to Jacob's wounds and had grounded Jared to his own house as soon as he'd started to ask if my panties were clean or not when Jacob stole them.

"Bunch of fucking animals, the lot of them," I huffed.

"True, but what can we do, Cha'kwaina, we love them?" she laughed, and I just shrugged.

_Love._

"Oh shit! I left Edward tied up at home! Fucking bollocks. I swear, if he's pissed himself, he's clearing it up!" I huffed out before saying goodbye to everyone and getting back in my jeep.

I found Edward in the same spot, jeans nice and dry, but with him singing an awful rendition of Akon's 'Lonely' - chipmunk style.

"You're such an idiot." I laughed.


	45. Chapter 45

**45**

I missed him.

Now that I could see his face, eyes, and that god awful bed hair, I truly had missed him.

_SLAP!_

"What the fuck was that for?" he shouted, and my hand started to sting instantly.

His red cheek looked no better.

"For not keeping in contact! I had no reason to shut you out of my life, even if I _did _get married. You knew me, Edward, since we were born, for Christ's sake! You knew I wouldn't have shut you out of my life!" I screeched, more pissed off with myself than him right about then.

I think I was just about to blow.

"I had to watch you on TV, I couldn't go to the cinema with my friends because you were everywhere, you were even on the side of one of the McDonalds Happy Meal boxes for fuck sake!" I wailed. "You were everywhere, a constant reminder to what I didn't have any more!"

"But you do have me, Isabella, you always have." he whispered.

Aw shit.

Why did he have to become soft on me?

* * *

**And that's your lot for the night. I'll be back tomorrow when the fun continues lol x**


	46. Chapter 46

**46**

I couldn't help it, I just couldn't.

I threw myself at him.

I straddled his legs, hoping that the chair wouldn't break, and kissed him.

Hard.

My fingers wrapped themselves into his hair, pulling and twisting as he kissed me back.

This was certainly different from when we were fourteen, that's for sure.

"Damn, Bella, I need to breathe!" He chuckled against my lips, but I didn't care, I just needed this closeness.

"Hurry up," I moaned back.

"Can you at least untie me so I can touch you?" he pleaded, but I shook my head.

I still needed to hit him for a few things.


	47. Chapter 47

**47**

"…And that's for getting nasty with those bimbos!"

_Smack._

"For drinking too much!"

_Smack._

"For not going to dinner at your mom's place on a Sunday!"

_Smack._

"For not sending me a birthday or Christmas card for eleven years!"

_Smack._

_Smack._

"For making me think you didn't love me anymore!"

_Smack._

"Are you done now?" he chuckled once I threw the pool noodle down onto the floor in front of us.

"Yeah," I sighed, pushing my sweaty hair out of my face.

"Good, can you untie me now? I really want to grab hold of you." He grinned.

Say no more.


	48. Chapter 48

**48**

"I felt the fluff, but I never thought you'd be one for pink glitter cuffs." He laughed once I'd freed him.

I watched as his long fingers rubbed his wrists.

Damn. I'd thought they were long when we were kids.

Obviously his dick wasn't the only thing that grew up with him.

"Come here," he whispered, and who was I to say no.

We still had issues to work through, I knew that.

And I had to call Esme soon.

But he just felt way too good to let go for the moment.

I straddled his legs again, getting as close as I could to him.

His fingers dug into my ass.

And fuck – it felt good.

This is what I had wanted for the last eleven years.

_Him._

But . . .

"You really need to brush your teeth." I murmured.


	49. Chapter 49

**49**

"You stole my daughter's innocence," dad growled as he held his shotgun against Edward's forehead.

Talk about blowing things out of proportion.

"She stole mine!" Edward retaliated.

Dear Lord.

"She was just a little girl," dad cut in. The vein was throbbing in his temple.

"So was I, _I mean_, I was a little _boy_," Edward huffed.

Hardly.

Even at fourteen he was hardly little.

"You should have known better."

"She was older than me, she should have set an example for me!" Edward whined.

You're not going to win this, old man, Edward was raised by Esme.

"You were a boy!" Dad huffed.

Ouch.

"Equal rights!" Edward grinned.

Game, set and match. Points to Edward on this round.

"Dinner's ready, you two." Sue grinned from the kitchen doorway.

"Coming!" dad and Edward said in chorus, and dad finally dropped his gun.

"Finish this after the food?" dad asked, and Edward nodded.

What the hell had I signed up for with these two?


	50. Chapter 50

**50**

**EPOV**

If I thought her mother was insane, it was nothing compared to the other side of her family.

Her dad, well he was just mad.

Sue was a sweetheart, slightly insane, but I blame Charlie for that.

Seth was a fifteen-year-old know it all.

Leah was hilarious, especially after she told us about what happened at the beach the other day with a guy named Jacob and a baseball bat.

Bella could certainly defend herself.

Dinner was amazing and the talk was good.

No one treated me like a movie star, which was cool with me, and Charlie finally backed down after Bella got mom on the phone to give him a piece of her mind.

All in all, it was a good night, but I couldn't wait to get back to Bella's place.

We still hadn't had sex.

She was making me wait.

Damn vixen.


	51. Chapter 51

**51**

**BPOV**

"Gym teacher by day, bar worker at night," I grinned.

He'd been firing questions at me for what felt like hours while I did the housework in just my panties and a racer back top.

"So that's how you managed to spin me on the bed." He chuckled from the couch.

I'd ordered him not to do anything to help me.

I was a little OCD with the way I liked things.

His family was going to be here tomorrow, and I wanted to make sure everything was perfect.

I hadn't seen Emmett in so long, and I was sure Rosalie really wasn't the bitch she used to be when we were kids.

Yeah right, she _totally _would be.

"What's your favorite position?" he asked with a grin.

"Be good and you'll find out at some point," I replied, and then smiled when he pouted.

God, he was such a boy.


	52. Chapter 52

**52**

"Ah shit . . . just there, _YES!_" I cried out.

Fuck, I hated it when you had an itch you couldn't scratch.

You perv, I bet you thought I was easy and had opened my legs for him already!

No, we were currently relaxing on the couch after an amazing dinner made by yours truly, and I had an itch right between my shoulder blades.

"I find it interesting that you don't wear a bra," he mused.

"You don't wear boxers." I shrugged.

"Valid point." He laughed.

"You want ice cream for dessert?" I asked when he stood up.

"Nah, I was thinking about getting some sleep. Wanna join me?" he asked, holding his hand out to me.

"As long as sleeping is all we do." I smirked.

"Spoilsport. I've improved my time since our last encounter, you know,"

"I should fucking hope so, it was the worst three minutes of my life!" I laughed.

"I'm up to about five minutes now." He chuckled.


	53. Chapter 53

**53**

"Bella boo bear!"

Ouch, ear drums.

Hang on. I was too hot. And pinned to the bed.

Why the fuck was I naked.

And, holy shit, was that Emmett?

What the fuck was he doing here? I'd just gone to sleep.

"Go away, it's not even light outside," Edward muttered against my bare chest.

Oh my.

His nose was between my boobs!

Que giggle.

"That's because you have your curtains closed, you idiot." Emmett laughed, and for some stupid fucking reason completely unknown to me, I sat bolt upright in bed to glare at him, letting Edward's head fall back to the mattress.

"WHOA! Cover up!" Rose screeched and covered Emmett's eyes, but not in time to give him a half Full Monty.

"Nice boobs, Bella boo bear." Emmett chuckled, and Edward growled.

"We came to wake you up before Esme did. She's making coffee downstairs." Rose grinned at me while I pulled up the covers a little.

"Do I want to know how you all got in?" I asked with a raised brow.

"Esme," she replied with a shrug.


	54. Chapter 54

**54**

"I had to _hold _it, Esme," I whimpered, thinking back to the hotel stay.

We women were sitting out on the small wraparound porch while the men attempted to act like cavemen and do their bit to get the fire going for dinner.

I didn't have the heart to tell them that I had a gas powered BBQ out back.

Okay, I did, but I wanted to laugh at them.

"But you've seen it before, Bella. We _know _you got up to stuff," Rose cut in with a smirk, but I shook my head.

"It's different when they're peeing, it's nasty!" I whisper-hissed.

"Yeah, I agree. I had to do it after Carlisle had the snip. I mean, he was in pain, that's a given, but I had to give birth to Emmett. No contest. Anyway, he couldn't even pee on his own for a week; whimpering and bloody moaning. So I had to hold it for him, because he thought it would drop off. Unique shades of purple though…" Esme mused into her Gin and Tonic.

Hmm . . . Carlisle with a purple cock.

It doesn't bear thinking about.


	55. Chapter 55

"I finally caved and told the family the other day about your kidnap/rescue mission. Carlisle was pissed, Emmett laughed, and Alice went into labor. Well, _she_ didn't, but her little dog did when she squealed at the top of her lungs. Poor Jasper had a heart attack from somewhere in the house when she made that noise. She's still got six weeks left on bed rest. She was so gutted that she couldn't come." Esme pouted.

Alice was her niece, but she'd grown up with the family, so she was like a daughter to Esme, and a sister to Edward and Emmett.

And a bitch to me growing up.

No, she was nice, but she did break my Easy Bake oven when we were six.

I loved that thing.

"Do you think he'll stop being a playboy?" Rose asked, and I nodded my head.

He didn't have a choice.


	56. Chapter 56

**56**

"If he knows what's good for him, he'll leave show business altogether. Although the money is good, it's a whole lot of shit he deals with. He can't go anywhere without being hounded, he's turned into this man I don't know, and he doesn't come home for family dinners on a Sunday," Esme whispered tearfully.

She missed her son.

_I _missed her son.

I know we can't turn back time, or get a do-over, but I didn't want him to leave my life again.

I'd just gotten him back!

"Last one into the stream is a rotten egg!" Emmett shouted from the top rail of the small bridge over the stream.

"Do you think I should tell him that the water is only a foot deep over there?" I asked.

"Nah," Esme and Rose replied with giggles.


	57. Chapter 57

**57**

"Look, Ma, I got war wounds!" Emmett announced proudly when he walked through the door with Carlisle.

He looked as high as a kite, and had a bandage on his head while his arm was in a sling.

"Four stitches and a broken collarbone. Unless you can't tell, they also gave him the good stuff," Carlisle spoke with a grin.

We all laughed while we watched Emmett try and navigate around my small living room toward the couch.

"Bella, I love you like a sister, I really do, but please get my brother laid, he's scowling like mad over by the fire. He needs to lighten the load, if you know what I mean," Emmett whisper-yelled as he rested his head on my shoulder, and then not two seconds later, he was snoring.

"I think that's our hint to leave, shall we?" Esme said with a grin and the others nodded and helped a sleeping Emmett back up from the couch.

"Bella, would you mind if I stayed here and not go to the hotel with my parents?" Edward asked bashfully. I had only ever seen that look in his eyes once before.

It was the day we . . .


	58. Chapter 58

**58**

We waved off his family, with plans to meet up the following morning, and with a new rule in place: Esme was not to pick the locks of the cabin.

"I love them dearly, but there's only so much you can take in one hit," Edward chuckled against my neck, his body flush with my back, and his arms around my waist.

It felt warm.

And right.

"I love you, Edward," I whispered.

It had been a long time since I had said those words, a very long time, but they still hadn't changed.

They still felt as strong to me.

To us.

"I love you, too, Bella," he whispered back and left a little kiss on the side of my neck.

It gave me tingles.

"Will you make love to me?" I asked.


	59. Chapter 59

**59**

How we got upstairs, I don't know, because I next found myself on the bed with Edward hovering his body carefully above me, both of us naked.

"I look a little different than I did back then." I grinned, feeling slightly shy.

"You look perfect. You're like a fine wine, you've aged beautifully," he said in reply, smiling back at me.

"I don't know whether to take that as a compliment or not," I huffed.

"Definitely a compliment." He chuckled.

We skipped foreplay, it was awkward, a little bit uncomfortable, but it was downright fucking perfect for _us._

We talked through it and giggled.

It was like we were when we were younger.

We were just a little more developed.

"I stink of sweat and sex, come and take a shower with me?" I asked after a while of silence.

I knew he wasn't asleep, because he wasn't snoring.

"Nah, stay here, I like the smell of us," he sleepily mused.

As I said, it was perfect.


	60. Chapter 60

**60**

A week had passed us by, and we were in our own little bubble.

Esme had to let Edward's agent know that he had been 'found.' The story they put out was that he'd gotten drunk and then got lost.

The press made up their own stories, of course, but we just didn't care.

Edward's family went back to their homes in Chicago, and now it was just the two of us in my little cabin in the middle of nowhere.

And I fucking hated it.

This was the reason I had moved out from dad's.

The toilet seat up.

Crumbs from the toaster everywhere in the kitchen.

Shaving stubble around the sink.

I hated living with a man!

And he bloody well knew it.


	61. Chapter 61

**62**

We got married four months later in the church in Forks and – don't faint – the sun was actually shining.

Sadly, Esme liked to tell me that it was _good_ luck for it to rain on a bride's wedding day.

The only day it would have been nice to see rain, and it was sunny.

Just my damn fucking luck.

It was, however, a very beautiful day.

We wore traditional clothes, in a traditional ceremony, with traditional vows.

The only thing that wasn't so traditional was the reception, or after party, as Emmett called it.

We ended up having to have the party at La Push, because it was a bigger area and no paps would consider crossing the line onto the tribe's land. It was sacred dominion.

The best bit of all?

Jacob caught the garter.


	62. Chapter 62

**62**

We got married four months later in the church in Forks and – don't faint – the sun was actually shining.

Sadly, Esme liked to tell me that it was _good_ luck for it to rain on a bride's wedding day.

The only day it would have been nice to see rain, and it was sunny.

Just my damn fucking luck.

It was, however, a very beautiful day.

We wore traditional clothes, in a traditional ceremony, with traditional vows.

The only thing that wasn't so traditional was the reception, or after party, as Emmett called it.

We ended up having to have the party at La Push, because it was a bigger area and no paps would consider crossing the line onto the tribe's land. It was sacred dominion.

The best bit of all?

Jacob caught the garter.


	63. Chapter 63

**63**

We were currently on our honeymoon on a white sandy beach in the middle of God knows where in the south of the country.

A private beach, with no one to gawp at us.

Shame that sex on the beach was better as a drink than the actual act.

Ever had sand in your cooch?

It fucking hurts!

"I think we should try for kids as soon as the extension is finished," he mused.

The house extension he'd insisted we have because there were now two of us, and we needed more space.

"Kids?"

"Yeah, that's what married people do; they get married, and then have kids," he said with a 'duh' tone.

I elbowed him.

"I don't think I could cope with you _and _kids." I grinned.

He was hard enough work.

I was still potty training him to put the seat down.

"Aw, but I want someone to play with. I get bored when you're working and I'm left at home all day with daytime TV," he pouted.

"So? We'll get you a dog." I shrugged.


	64. Chapter 64

**Epi**

The dog wasn't needed.

Edward _accidentally _forgot to pack my birth control for our honeymoon.

He blamed me, because they were mine.

I blamed him, because I could.

Now he was taking his role as father-to-be very seriously.

Reading everything.

Google was his new best friend.

So was the couch, where he was sleeping until he made it up to me.

Don't tell him I said this, but I was secretly happy that we were having a baby.

I'll make him sweat for a bit though. It was my wifely duties to keep him on his toes, after all.

So, yeah, that's how I kidnapped Edward Cullen.

How I got him back into my life, and maybe, if Edward and I are both willing, you might pop back one day to see how he copes with being a daddy.

That one will prove interesting.

See ya soon.

Bella Cullen x

* * *

**Well, it's the end... for now lol.**

**I wrote the first 12 chapters of this over a year ago and then forgot about it. I'm so glad that I found it and completed it, purely for the laughs and support you have all given me.**

**HUGE thanks, as ever, to texasbella, because she puts up with my shit and actually got this beta'd in less than 24 hours :D I loves her mucho hehe.**

**I'm going on an extended break now from writing, but I will be back at a later date for some more fun, so feel free to let me know if you'd like to see this pair again, and what you'd like to see them get up to lol.**

All the best, Tammy x


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